Post by nicole evaline crosse on Aug 28, 2013 10:18:27 GMT -8
ENTRY #1
NicoleEvalineCrosse
EVERYONECANSEE THATMYHEART'SBEATINGFASTER NOW THATIT'SEVERBEEN
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NicoleEvalineCrosse
EVERYONECANSEE THATMYHEART'SBEATINGFASTER NOW THATIT'SEVERBEEN
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You know, I never really understood the purpose of blogging. Create a website and just talk about everything you feel, expecting that people will read and care but hoping no one you care for will read? I don't know. But I've been informed by Ravey that it's cathartic (I think that's the word... to be honest, I don't even know what exactly it means. Soothing maybe?) so I might as well give it a try. I've done some reading online, and it seems to be a standard that your first post must describe a little about you, so I suppose I might as well follow the rules...
My name is Nicole Evaline Crosse. I was born in Athens, Greece, twenty-three years ago or so. I have a sister named Evangeline, and two cousins Angelos and Zoi. Actually, I have more than that. I have a huge family to be honest, but the ones I see and talk to on a regular basis would be my aunt Eleni, uncle Nikolaus for whom I am named, my sister and my father, Michael. I'm a Psychology major, a diagnosed Schizoid and....
Well, that's what the doctors tell me. Schizoid personality disorder. Wikipedia describes it as being “A personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, and apathy. Affected individuals may simultaneously demonstrate a rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world.” And, to a degree, it's right. However, there is something unique about personality disorders – they are rarely “cured” and diagnosed, not because of their relative obscurity but because the disordered individual rarely feels a need for help. They perceive their behaviour as normal, and not something that needs to be changed, because as far as they are aware, they are normal.
This is where I differ.
I want to change.
I just don't know how
There's this boy, Anthony. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him – cliché, right? – but I'm afraid I'm losing him. That he's already lost. Because, thing is, I waited too long. I was too afraid to pursue it, afraid that if I brought him close, I would resent him. There's this thing that people with SPD do, something odd. They feel very lost without their anchors, the people that they're used to being around, like Anthony, but at the same time they resent these people because of their emotional neediness. I've always kept him at arm's length (arm's length, bah. Maybe if my arm was ten feet fucking long!) because I don't want to feel like that about him. I don't think I'll ever be able to give him what he wants. He's a normal boy and I'm... I'm not. Well, not a boy either but I mean I'm not normal. One day, he'll want children, and marriage, someone he can be around without walking on eggs and needles (is that the right phrase? It sounds odd...) and I'm afraid that if he ever were to bring it up (obviously not for a long long time, since we're both still in college) that I'd have to tell him how I feel about children. I love my cousins, for sure, but I don't think a pregnant Nikki is anything anyone ever wants to deal with. I don't want to have a child rely on me. I don't want to carry it around in my stomach like some parasitic tapeworm. Maybe I only feel this way now, when I'm not pregnant – maybe my feelings could change – but can I really take that chance?
Pregnancy. That's the other reason I'm pretty sure I've lost him. There's another girl – look! Another cliché! – that he fell for. A friend of his. I call her blondie but I think her name was Isolde. No, Imogen. I've read her blog because yes I'm a stalker, and she really does seem like a nice girl. She doesn't deserve the things life has dealt her. Logically, I know this, and if it weren't for the fact that she's in love with Anthonywho is mine, dammit!I imagine there could be a chance we'd be friends. Logically, I know that, but... Well, I am a woman. I hate her. I don't wish her harm, yet I do, I don't want to hurt her but god do I ever. I just... I don't know. I don't even know anymore. Things were much easier when I didn't have a man pushing my emotions past every limit I've ever known. Things were easy when I could just remain cold. Easy yes, but lonely. Very lonely. Now, I can't even imagine my life without him here, beside me.
Maybe I should just go to bed.
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